Two Years

Yeah,exactly 2 years has passes since I last wrote on this blog, I won't say that it has been a long time,because I've said that for like hundred times,LoL,talk about being lazy updating my blog. I missed blogging,and although nobody reads this I'll keep posting anyway,for the sake of a legacy for anyone who wants to know about me :D

I'm now pretty much fine with my life. I'm still a humble English teacher somewhere, now I have a boyfriend for almost 4 years already and in my 23rd year of life,I'm still looking for who I really am,a writer? Illustrator? Or just simply a woman without something special in her entire life. I'm still searching, I want to leave behind a legacy that my children and grandchildren will be proud of,but still I can't find any.

Now people may call me a bit religious,but actually I'm not, I just surrender myself to Jesus Christ, because I can't find my purpose in life. I surrender to God's will, I believe that He'll make me become like that special someone. Lol, for now I can't mention yet who is that special someone,but because of him I got a new insight about discovering myself...

I've actually fallen for him,but he's not mine to begin with... I was sad, and I questioned myself,why didn't I meet this wonderful man earlier in my life? Why now? I found Jesus, but I'm broken hearted as well... how I wish I am his and he's mine! But I just want to convince myself that it perhaps is too late to do anything anymore, I hope that Jesus will heal me and help me tp deal with this pain...

I'll keep on going to praise Him although I can't be with this special someone, I believe that my journey is still long, I may be able to find someone like him again, someone who is a true miracle, that God had molded to become an example that God really is here, all the time... I just want to experience that miracle too :)

Looking Back in Christmas

I know I've been neglecting my blog since there's nobody reading it anyways, but I can't help and share my story here. Here, I wanna tell something about... growing up. Well, growing up mostly costs us a lot, and the same goes for me. Growing up, me and my sister drifted more and more away from each other. But since we moved to this new house, we're like strangers, that's what I think, though...

Why in the world did I say that? Let me tell you, when I was a kid and shared my room with my sister in our house before, I know all our schedules, although we have different extracuriculars. I know what my mom's doing at home, I know where my dad works, and a lot more. I even know my close cousin's daily activities. But since me and my cousins went to different middle school, everything began to change, like...drastically. We were all so engulfed in business, up until now, as adults, we just get busier with our own lives, let alone our jobs and educations in college and university. We don't really get the chance to catch up in our relation and soon forget a lot of things that's close to us, just like me and my younger sister. I bet if you ask her about me, she won't have much clues either.

When me and my younger sister still shared the same room, we used to quarrel a lot, about my noise when I sing to let out my stress, or about the light when I still want to write something near midnights (and Mom would always scold me), but at least, we talked as sisters, we quarreled as sisters, and there was once... as sisterhood between us, although we might didn't really showed them, but I felt it, and I understood it a while after I've lost it since we moved to this new house. As for now, whenever I talk to my younger sister, I've lost the sisterhood in me...I can only see her as someone I never know who happens to cross the same crossroad in my life. Someone, after she went to Kuala Lumpur to study, I just get stuck with together, in both a good and a bad way...

Growing up with time sure is a vicious combo killer. It strikes silently in stealth, and leaves you no place to hide and to fix, even if you want to fix the relation with your relatives so badly...you just can't...I really wish I was a teenager again, and recover these losses, rather than crying for some guy who never gonna love me and toy-ing with my feelings, I shouldn't have fought for an eros love, but for my close relatives' bonds with me...as an adult, we can't really risk so many things to fight anymore, when youth slowly pass by, it sometimes feels sad, like watching the snow fluttering down, and disappear into the stream, without anyone noticing the existence...

Talking about snow, this Christmas had been a little bit different than the early years in my old house and the times I first moved here ( my family's still the same though, and sometimes in terms of annoying me,haha). Though I still can't see what's white Christmas, I wanna wish the readers a happy Christmas, may your holidays filled with glee, love and hope in the warmth of every heart. Happy holidays, folks. See you soon.

Feliz Navidad!

The Turning Point and Being Inspired

Quite a few months has passed since I last updated this blog. 2 Things that I want to say over here, is that, as the title has mentioned, I made a turning point with my career. Really, being in a cubicle with lots of unpredictable matters and the scoldings and humiliation from my perfectionist and unthoughtful superior and boss does not suit me at all, h*ll yeah they never do. I'm going back to the days when I was a teacher. I'm leaving this boredom place and challenging myself back to talking in fronr of a lot of people, getting my mind into theirs. Frankly, I'm still getting nervous interacting with people, especially when it comes to talking and explaining in front of a lot of people, even in front of children. I was wondering to myself (I am still wondering though...) if I have any case of autistic and Asperger syndrome. For the ones who do not understand what is Asperger syndrome, ask Uncle Google. He knows everything *wide grin*.

 Turning back might not look as easy as turning the steering wheel of a car. But I think I have to give my best *duuh...* since it's a comeback. Things might be a little embarrassing, but I do not feel any urge to 'run away' like I feel in this 'cubicle company'. I thought that I might've caused some commotions since I started hating working here. In terms of relationships with some people, I've stumbled and injured my heart. I just did not expect for them to behave in such a manner, and I learnt that sometimes, jerks are just jerks, men are just men, and boys in them will always be boys. I do not want to mentioned what they did to me, but, in some manners, they've hurt me deep enough for me to take those memories into my grave... I'm not being grudgeful, but sometimes, pain will always be pain, and time cannot take them away from my heart. I can forgive betrayal, but I cannot give back the love like I used to. No, having such scars made me learnt quite a few things. That this world is ugly yet beautiful... and now I'm stronger. I would like to add something, what does not kill you, not only will make you stronger, but it leaves a h*ll of pain to you to suffer, and a big, ugly scar, mentally or physically.

 Ok, enough talking about myself, I would like to talk about an amazaing girl, who's a 9-year-old primary school student and a food blogger in such a young age! Her blog has 40,000 visitors a day and Jamie Oliver the handsome and famous celebrity chef also visited her blog, and gave her one of his cooking books signed by himself! (talk about jealousy, Martha, I wish I could have one of Jamie's signed book too) Waow... imagine that... her name is Martha Payne, and you can Google her blog as well (I just came back from visiting her blog too :p). She's blogging about the meals she has everyday at her school canteen at lunchtime, and apparently changed the school's menu from unhealthy food into healthy meals good for the children's nutrition needs. Way to go, Martha! She's such an inspiration in a young age, talk about simple things with significant influence ;) Well, if you're curious, you can find her blog at http://neverseconds.blogspot.com.es/ and enjoy! Hope you like what I've wrote. Sense you later again in the next posts! \^o^/

It Has Been a Loooooooooooong Time

How I miss my blog so much... I did not count any days which has passed since the last time I updated this blog. I have been very busy the past few months and all things seems come together at the same time. I have one surprise for you, I'm a corporate worker again, finally, at last. I'm not a teacher again, and maybe I should curse the government for not paying attention on the welfare of the teachers in this country *devil side taking over*. I'm finally sitting in this small cubicle, doing the complicated stuffs about purchasing some materials from overseas. I'm actually not really into business, but I feel that I have to do this no matter what.

I felt the urge to gain more; in terms of income. I did not reach high enough to break free in the future, so I left what I love to do in order to find perfection. I know this is something so 'not me', but I got no choice at all. I want to be independent some day, and I want to do what I really want to do, so like it or not, here I am, working things out. I just learnt that the first years would be tough and hard, but I think I have to make it happen. I have to commit, starting from now on. Things are never easy for a bigger reward, i believe that.

Leaving an occupation as a teacher is really really one hard stuff to deal with. I've always loved teaching and to be taught. I love telling stories and sharing them with children, since their minds are still clear and they like to find out and explore something they did not see, hear, or know before . I love the times when we could play games and practise English at the same time. I love the times when we crack jokes in the class to shoo away the stiffness during the tight schedule of the lessons. I just love being a part of a school, and will always be. It's just so hard to leave what I've been so enjoyed to do.

When I had to leave the school I had been working in for a year and a half, it was heartbreaking. I could not let out any tears at all, while all the other leaving teachers seemed to cry a lot when they leave that place. Are they pretending when they leave? Or they really did feel sad when the time comes? I guess I'll never know. Never. But one thing for sure, it hurts too much even tears can not flow out of my eyes. It's just so deep that i can not even express it, the shock had just consumed me until today. I want to cry, I want to expand the loss of my soul, but it seems that my soul loves torturing myself, creating the guilt and sadness for leaving a place that I liked the most, being a teacher.

Whatever it takes, I'd spread my wings and flew, I could not go back to the originated base where I could feel that I'm in a safe haven. I've stepped out of my comfort zone, and there's no turning back in the future, no matter how I will wanted to. I just hope that I can be in a better place, and there will be something I can gain, that I can be proud of, and I can break free from this prison.

Life and A Bowl of Soup

baru tadi pagi aku menyadari, banyak perubahan kecil yang datang ke dalam hidupku, walaupun ada yang positif, ataupun yang mungkin membawa pengaruh negatif, ada pula yang tetap sama saja, yang membuatku tetap skeptikal pada makna dan keberadaan sahabat sejati.

baru tadi pagi aku sadar, banyak kebiasaan kecil di rumahku yang dulu yang kini hilang setelah aku menempati rumah baru. bukan, aku tidak mengatakan soal menangisi seseorang yang sudah menginjak-injak perasaan dan juga dedikasiku padanya selama setahun beberapa bulan di dalam hidupku, tapi ini lebih pada kembali tentang keluarga, tentang tradisi kecil yang bisa membangkitkan ingatanku pada masa kecilku, yang kini telah mulai menghilang; dan aku menyadarinya berkat semangkuk sup yang dimasak oleh ibuku.

ceritanya begini, tadi pagi saat menyiapkan sarapan aku melihat Ibu menyiapkan sup untuk pelengkap makanan siang dan malam kami nanti, dan aku berpikir, sudah beberapa lama ya Ibu tidak memasak sampai se-intens ini, semenjak kami baru pindah, juga beberapa saat setelah beliau selesai operasi. karena kondisi beliau yang masih lemah, beliau tidak bisa masak di rumah, dan kami memesan rantangan untuk makanan sehari-hari. karena semangkuk sup itu aku jadi ingat, kalau dulu saat aku masih anak2, aku ogah sekali minum sup, dan harus selalu diingatkan untuk itu. aku bukannya benci pada rasa sup Ibu, rasanya enak sekali, tapi saat itu aku kurang mensyukuri adanya sup itu untukku. sekarang, aku jadi merindukannya kalau sudah lama tidak minum sup masakan ibuku, hehehehehe...

semua ini membuatku berpikir, bagaimana pekerjaanku yang sangat menyibukkan dan melelahkan membuatku menjadi buta pada perubahan yang begitu kecil di dalam hidupku. itu hanya salah satu contohnya, masih banyak hal2 kecil yang hilang semenjak aku pindah ke rumah baru ini, semuanya menjadi semacam flashback yang sangat cepat di dalam otakku hanya dalam sekejap saja, seperti semacam deja vu ataukah sedikit kesenduan yang timbul mengingat semuanya... sebelum pindah kemari, aku berpikir bahwa semuanya pasti akan sama saja setelah pindah ke rumah baru ini. semuanya tentang kami, tradisi, kebiasaan, semuanya. hanya saja aku yang saat itu belum dewasa tidak menyadari, pindah rumah juga sama saja seperti mengganti tatanan rambut, kecil kelihatannya, maknanya seolah mungil, namun, merekalah yang mempunyai kuasa mengubah kehidupanku ke jalan yang berbeda, menjadi seperti sekarang ini adanya.

kejadian-kejadian yang membuatku lebih sabar, membuatku lebih tegar, menempaku menjadi lebih kuat dan membentukku menjadi seseorang yang lebih pengertian, tidak egois, dan sebagainya. mereka mungkin sekecil kerikil, ada pula yang bentuknya mungkin hanya segenggam, namun, karena tersandung oleh mereka, aku jadi tersadar dan mencoba bangkit kembali, dengan kekuatanku sendiri dan juga orang-orang yang mencintaiku...